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Diaryland -- our favorite bardender
When there appear such dramas as have befallen Heather And Lauren's House of (N)E(u)rotic Adventures, there's really only one appropriate way to handle it. Only one certified system of psychotherapy endorsed by The Summer of Excessive Drinking And Some Other Stuff That Happens When We Drink A Lot. Only one acceptable course of action.
Getting shitfaced. Really shitfaced.
Lauren's ex surprisingly resurfaced from the Bog of Total Head-Up-Assery, and Heather's ex cured his psyche's confusion by leaving the Navy, realizing what a fuckpuncher he'd been, and asking for her back.
This is not normal for us -- we are magnets for lint, cheese, and strange bruises, but not boy drama. As such, we weren't completely sure what to do about our current situation and all the annoying overthinking and hair-pulling that ensued, so we decided to seek answers at the bottom of a bottle of red wine.
The answer, it turns out, is "Ew."
This might be because the bottle of wine, when emptied, was sitting atop an issue of The New Yorker.
But the fact remains that drinking excessive amounts of alcohol solves pretty much everything. Or if that's not true, it makes everything really damn funny. Well, to the people who are trashed, anyway, and that's what Drunky But Funky is all about -- paying homage to the stuff you do when you're pissed off your tree.
The following were all typed out during a night consisting of two girls and two bottles of red wine. We said it all, we typed it if we felt like it, and because we are currently pretty loaded and that's funky and drunky all at once, we stand by all typos. Thahnk God Word corrects some of our mistakes.
We stress: Some.
I need to just find a really nice straight guy, or a confused hot gay man, to have hot sex with me.
HEATHER:
I love The Cosby Show.
LAUREN:
I hope those two thoughts are not related, and that you are just saying that because we're watching that right now, because otherwise, you're kind of lame.
HEATHER:
I LOVE BILL COSBY!
LAUREN:
What? But you can't fuck The Cos.
HEATHER
Oh, fuck. I fucking forgot about the fucking fucking.
LAUREN:
See, I stand by my decision to not fuck the Cos.
HEATHER:
Would you fuck Young Cos?
LAUREN:
No. No I wouldn�t.
HEATHER:
That's a good decision. Such a good decision. I love it. LOVE IT.
LAUREN:
I'd fuck Theo.
HEATHER:
THEO IS TWELVE RIGHT NOW.
LAUREN:
I didn't mean NOW! I meant� now. Does that make sense?
HEATHER:
No, but I totally know what you mean.
LAUREN:
I want to fuck Theo when he's not jailbait and stuff.
HEATHER:
Well that's a little more respectable.
LAUREN:
I can't believe Doug fell back in love with you.
HEATHER:
I know, what is that about? Is he high?
LAUREN:
Maybe he's pregnant.
HEATHER:
Fucking hell. I�m not ready to be a father.
� � � � � � �
LAUREN:
They are making frun .. fu.. FUN of our mirrors on Queer Eye. We are not ogod gay men, as it turn out.
HEATHER:
I'm going to poke out their queer eye.
LAUREN:
I'm going to poke something, it's not an eye. Oh wait, I don't have the necessary equipment to poke.
HEATHER:
They can poke my eye. If by "eye" you mean "genitals" and I think you do.
LAUREN:
I think you needed to ask if I know what you mean.
HEATHER:
Wha?
LAUREN:
And incidentally, I think I do.
HEATHER:
Is this math?
LAUREN:
Oh, wait, you and I didn't have big dinners tonight did we.
HEATHER:
Whee, no, we didn't.
LAUREN:
We had four crackers didn't we.
HEATHER:
Yes we did.
LAUREN:
They were cheese and snooty pickle relish stuff from England!
HEATHER:
Are we pregnant?
LAUREN:
It would have to be immaculate conception.
HEATHER:
All conception with me is immaculate, baby.
LAUREN:
Do you know what song I have in my head?
HEATHER:
"It's Raining Men"?
LAUREN:
With subtle clapping! But no. Not the answer. Do you remember that song for the toy "Lite Brite"?
HEATHER:
"Lite Brite! Lite Brite! Turn on the magic of colored lights!
LAUREN:
I loved my Lite Brite.
HEATHER:
My colege roommate and I bought one at Easter when we were 21. We loved it.
LAUREN:
WE NEED TO DO THAT.
HEATHER:
Can you imagine how much fun we'd have right now with a Lite Brite?
LAUREN:
Let's order one on Amazon!
HEATHER:
Is that sad?
LAUREN:
(Makes unholy hiccuping noise.)
HEATHER:
Wow. Okay. If you say so.
LAUREN:
That didn't taste really very doog. GOod. I'm really very drunk right now.
HEATHER:
Whee! I like to dance. Look, I'm flapping my wings!
LAUREN:
Flap flap flap! I'm flying like a sex machine!
HEATHER:
Whee!
(Major jumping and flapping commences.)
LAUREN:
I'm getting dizzy. Chocolate will make me not spin.
� � � � � � �
LAUREN:
I feel puffy.
HEATHER:
We're puffy with sweet liquor.
LAUREN:
I think that everyone should live by that.
� � � � � � �
LAUREN:
Do you know your mouth hangs open when you type?
HEATHER:
Well, your legs hang openwhen you� holy shit, I'm too drunk to ome up with a pithy insuly.
LAUREN:
Ha ha ha. I have beaten you. Plus, you cant' type anymore. Stop drinking. Excpet, drink more.
� � � � � � �
LAUREN:
Do you think my mother knew I was drunk?
HEATHER:
No. We weren't typing to her so it ws fine. You came off totally sober/
LAUREN:
That was hard.
HEATHER:
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
LAUREN:
Ha ha ha ha!
HEATHER:
We need to keep drinking.
LAUREN:
WE SO DO.
� � � � � � �
Dear Straight Men. Please ocme to our apartment. LoVE, US. Oops, we put the caps lock on there. Hee! LOVE FOR real, us. Oops, there it wentagain. Ha.
LAUREN: I have to go to work tomorrow!
HEATHER:
It's 9:42! I'm not worried. Y9ou're fine.
LAUREN:
God, numbers are hard to type.
� � � � � � �
LAUREN:
I love that this document is called "shitfaced.doc."
HEATHER:
I tell it like it is.
LAUREN:
Can that be our slogan?
HEATHER:
We have one already.
LAUREN:
Haaaaaaa. Wait, no, that was not the right time to laugh.
HEATHER:
It's okay. Drunk up. I mean, drunk up. Wait,m I mean, drink up. Whatever.
� � � � � � �
LZAUREN:
So what have we learned?
HEATHER:
Nothing. Fucking nothing. What are we going to do? I thought the answers were at the bottom of these bottles of vino.
LAUREN:
Well, I think "Ew" was enough of a sign. We're going on strike. We're protesting.
HEATHER:
HELL NO, WE WON'T GO!
LAUREN:
ALL WE ARE SAYING IS GIVE PEACE A CHANCE.
HEATHER:
WE'RE HERE, WE'RE QUEER, GET USED TO IT� Wait, no.
LAUREN:
No. Not so much. I mean, we'reh ere, you had that part right.
HEATHER:
I'm right!
LAUREn:
What the fuck does my ex want?
HEATHER:
What they all want!
LAUREN:
What'st hat?
HEATHER:
I have no idea. I'm the wrong person to ask. I thought mine wanted to go to Wisconsin and have sex with Midwestern babes.
LAUREN:
How are we going to handle this?
HEATHER:
Well, have we thought about them in a while?
LAUREN:
No! No we haven�t!
HEATHER:
Then I think we just handled it.
-- Heather & Lauren
Copyright 2003, 2004 to Carrie, Heather, Jessica, Lauren, and Michael. We're not so drunk that we forgot this part.