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Last Five Hangovers...
The Ten Thousand Dollar Choking Hazard - 2004-12-09
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BE A FRIEND OF THE MOVEMENT!

True heroes are so rare in this day and age, but Drunky But Funky is pleased to announce that there's a whole pack of them living and working in Maryland.

It is there, in that state that can boast of its crabs and have it accurately refer to two entirely different things, that the U.S. Beer Drinking Team is doing its glorious work.

The team dedicates its time to the following: "We believe that beer drinking is a team event. �We have a common goal. Our goal is to promote the 'brotherhood and sisterhood of beer in as many ways as possible.'"

Blessed people.

But what really gets us going about the USBDT is its intent to create a beer drinkers' Hall of Fame � a Mecca of sorts for people who worship the frothy nectar and want desperately for a church in which to do it.

Milwaukee has made the list, but the organization is trying to open it up to the public, just in case Joe Six-Pack wants his Beer Paradise to be somewhere with a slightly more temperate climate.

The Beer Hall of Fame would allegedly host beer-themed radio stations and restaurants. We cannot think of a more spectacular way to celebrate sweet, sweet beer, and can promise that we'd stop here before visiting any of the buildings that pay homage to rock stars or overpaid athletes. We prefer our Halls of Fame to be places in which we imbibe so much that we actually start to think we were chosen to be part of an exhibit.

The man who calls himself the team leader claims, "But this is not about people gathering to just guzzle beer, it's a place for beer lovers to give praise to their favorite beverage."

Yes -- by toasting it.

The Wise One (the team leader has a name but we prefer using this term of reverence) also says that other cities in the running are: Chicago, Tampa-St. Petersburg, Pittsburgh, Portland and Baltimore. We guess that the further-flung locales, despite their proximities to major airports and plenty of lodging, will lose out to something more central � and in fact, Chicago sounds like a damn fine choice to us.

But so does my backyard. And, yes, I mean that literally � not in the Los Angeles sense, but in the sense of, the space directly surrounding my apartment.

Consider the requirements:

-Adequate space availability in existing or new construction. (including room for expansion)

Okay, so maybe our neighborhoods are a bit tightly packed. But there's a gigantic hospital, Cedars-Sinai, right near where I live, and it would be devilishly efficient to convert a bunch of that into the Beer Hall of Fame, because you could then cart all the overindulgers straight to their own recovery beds.

Within 20 miles of a �top 100� city by population and within 20 miles of a commercial airport.

Bingo! Los Angeles is huge. And we're within twenty miles of the airport, for sure. We're also right near a Coffee Bean � perfect for those persistent hangovers.

Within 6 miles of an interstate, �beltway� or adequate access roads.

I'm not sure if anyone would consider the 405 or the I-10 "adequate," but they're certainly functional highways one can use for getting from A to B, even if it takes you so long that you need to drain a six-pack upon arrival to abate the stress. Which actually makes it more ideal, because there is no more perfect environment in which to drink to forget.

And if you're loose about what "beltway" means, well, Lauren and Carrie own a lot of belts between them, and they're not afraid to use 'em.

Adequate hotel accommodations within walking distance.

Oh, there's plenty of lodging � people could pass out on my roof in great comfort, The Four Seasons is thereabouts, and there's That Hotel Near The Beverly Center. And, hello? Cedars-Sinai Hospital has some really nice private suites. Also, Los Angeles is home to many fine sewers and gutters, which the other snipes will likely be happy to share with you in exchange for a taste of that pretty mouth.

Adequate off-street parking.

You can fit a lot of cars in the Beverly Center's parking garage. Beyond that� I don't know, that's what cabs are for, people. Drinking and driving is bad. Drinking and cabbing promotes drunkenness. Which makes more sense to you? Right.

Public transportation or adequate �transportation for hire�

All taken care of � unless "transportation for hire" means "the back of a willing, limber, and strong hooker," in which case� no, hang on, we've got that covered, too.

Adequate public interest. (show us why you want the Beer Hall of Fame in your city)

Los Angeles doesn't have a major professional sports team. � Well, okay, it has the Lakers, the Dodgers, the Clippers, and the Kings, but I don't care about any of those teams, and LA doesn't deserve another NFL franchise because it whiffed having TWO other ones. So I'd be delighted to make this city home to the world's best professional drinkers, because that is the kind of team behind which I could throw my full support. It's also the kind of team that could inspire me to join its ranks.

What else? � I know a lot of people who really fucking love beer, and I'm sure that they know other people of like appetites. Many of them live here or would at least come hang out with me for the weekend so we could go get rocked at the Beer Hall of Fame. Plus, celebrities like to get smashed, and any place with the word "fame" in the title is bound to attract people who mistakenly think that their careers will be born there. (They aren't entirely wrong, necessarily, just misguided about what "career" it will be.)

Appropriate incentives.

I make good desserts. Jessica can put her fist in her mouth. Also, there are probably lots of poncey stores around here that sell homeopathic hangover remedies � er, "toxin removers." Plus, we will get drunk and, let's face it, probably make out with you. Come on. Don't you want a kiss?

Membership in the USBDT is free, so drop by and sign up if you want to vote on which city should house the Beer Hall of Fame.

The winner will be announced at Oktoberfest, according to the USBDT. And then, we'll be able to begin the countdown to our pilgrimage� across the street.

-- Heather