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Last Five Hangovers...
The Ten Thousand Dollar Choking Hazard - 2004-12-09
Mixing Advice - 2004-10-24
A Grave Injustice - 2004-09-27
A Short History of the Bloody Mary (in My Life) - 2004-07-31
If You Build It, We Will Come - 2004-07-19

Required Reading:

�� The Dirt: Confessions Of The World's Most Notorious Rock Band
�� The Bartender's Bible
�� The Hangover Handbook
�� The Ultimate A-Z Bar Guide
�� Why Do I Vomit?
�� Field Guide To Stains: How To Identify And Remove Virtually Every Stain Known To Man
�� The Booze Hound's Companion

Friends of DbF:

Bad Kitty Clothing
Casey
Dan
Dr. No
Drunk Bastard
Honky Slut Warrior
Jason
Modern Drunkard Magazine
Sotally Tober: Because It's Always Happy Hour Somewhere
Talk Like A Pirate
Diaryland -- our favorite bardender

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A Grave Injustice

We recently (well, let's be honest - not so recently but we've all had adult responsibilities and work, etc. and consequently let the site lag as our social lives have withered) (Okay, this is Lauren, and in all fairness maybe it just is my OWN social life, but still) got an email from the elusive C. Sullivan, who drew our attention to a grave injustice that we thought everyone should read about. So while we regroup and get ready for not one, but TWO weekend parties, we leave you with this for your own horror.

Dear Drunky But Funky Crew ---

Your recent article on the U.S. Beer Drinkers Hall of Fame set off alarm bells for me. I am sorry to have to tell you this, but per a December 2, 2003 article in the Denver Post (archived here):

"[The editors of Modern Drukard] take drinking so seriously, as a matter of fact, in a recent issue they lambasted the captain of the U.S.beer-drinking team for his comment that he had never been drunk in his life.

'He's making us look like pansies to the rest of the world,' Baxley said."

Yes, the captain of the U.S. beer drinking team claims he's never been drunk.

Unfortunately, I've left my collection of back issues elsewhere, so I am unable to give you the date of the Modern Drunkard editorial mentioned above, but I was able to find a copy of it online. (See below).

More in sadness than in anger, your reader,
C. Sullivan

THE MODERN DRUNKARD EDITORIAL

Read this bio and see if you can guess who this man is:

He confesses the best beer he ever had was a Busch. He stresses moderation and responsibility to the point that even MADD thinks he�s a swell guy. He drinks six to eight beers a week and refuses to let visitors post messages about being drunk on his website. He tells his followers that their drinking limit is below the state�s allowed limit. He suggests beer drinkers are a step below average men. And finally, he admits he has never been drunk in his entire life, even while sampling 25-cent beers in Honduras. Nor does he ever wish to be drunk.

So he�s a spineless lightweight with bad taste in beer, you�re thinking. Maybe a low-level politician eager to appear one of the guys, but playing it very safe with the prohibition set.

Well, he�s much more than that. His name is Dennis Buettner and he�s the founder, commissioner, and self-appointed captain of the U.S. Beer Drinking Team. Not the Dennis Buettner Drinking Team, not the Lower Buffalo Valley Beer Drinking Team, but the goddamn U.S. Beer Drinking Team.

Which is akin to a guy who occasionally enjoys a McRib Sandwich declaring in the national press that he is, in fact, the BBQ King of America. His outrageous presumptuousness aside, what disturbs me most about Mr. Buettner is in all his forty years he has never been drunk nor wants to be. What manner of professed beer lover could lack the desire, courage, or just plain human curiosity to drink those extra beers that convey you to a better, happier place? I�ll wager even Billy Graham and the president of MADD have gotten drunk at least once.

What manner of self-respecting beer drinker would follow him? It�s akin to England, faced with the furious assault of the Nazi machine, being told it�s going to be led to victory by a restroom attendant who wholeheartedly confesses his military experience consists of watching his pet tabby tussle with a cat toy. Just when this country was starting to resurrect its collective drinking reputation, this punk comes along, declares himself our leader, then spends the next 24 hours struggling to knock back a single goddamn beer.

At best this man is merely a crass opportunist attempting to sell T-Shirts and merchandise to a large and disorganized group hungry for leadership. And with 20,000 members, his organization has probably sold more than a few. But there lies the riddle: He had to know his beer-a-day, never-been-drunk proclamation would set him up for ridicule among even moderate drinkers and only serve to damage his merchandise sales.

Which leads me to view Mr. Buettner in a much darker light. He is, consciously or otherwise, an active agent of the neo-prohibitionists. He is setting up a false standard. A man drinking the FDA-approved two beers a day can now be told: �Great God! Do you realize you�re drinking twice as much as the Captain of the freaking U.S. Beer Drinking Team? You�re obviously some kind of alcoholic monster!�

A weak enemy within is much more dangerous than a powerful enemy without. Which is why, when the battle comes down, I will fall in behind a besotted Churchill, and the Busch-sipping Mr. Buettner can go crash with his one-beer buzz.

Frank Kelly Rich

The Night Before �� Home �� Wait, Who Are You People Again? �� The Morning After


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Copyright 2003, 2004 to Carrie, Heather, Jessica, Lauren, and Michael. We're not so drunk that we forgot this part.