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Last Five Hangovers...
The Ten Thousand Dollar Choking Hazard - 2004-12-09
Mixing Advice - 2004-10-24
A Grave Injustice - 2004-09-27
A Short History of the Bloody Mary (in My Life) - 2004-07-31
If You Build It, We Will Come - 2004-07-19

BE A FRIEND OF THE MOVEMENT!

Every good movement has a rallying cry ("Outdrink, Outskank, Outcrass"), every good religion has a central question ("What Would Motley Crue Do?"), and every summer worth its margarita salt has a soundtrack.

The booze-sodden Dan, a fine Irish lad who's fair of skin, red of hair, and full of beer, thoughtfully stepped up to the bar and crafted a CD of songs chosen because their titles, lyrics, or general aura seem to fit with the Drunky But Funky way of life.

So here, for your reading enjoyment or listening pleasure -- if you have time, a fast connection, and a highly inappropriate software tool -- are the contents of "Excessive & Inappropriate," the theme music that will always remind us of the summer we will only vaguely remember. (Note: We've just learned there's a special bonus track that we failed to find. When we know, so will you.)

1. Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum) -- The Cheeky Girls
Heather: This is the most pointless, wonderful song ever written.
Lauren: How on Earth did Dan even know this song existed?
H: I particularly like the complex lyrics, "We are the cheeky girls, you are the cheeky boys," as well as the fact that they don't feel a need to explore more than three notes in the entire melody.
L: And they round out this surprising profundity with the simple, yet honest plea for bum-touching -- something I think we could all benefit from in life.

2. Cheers (Where Everybody Knows Your Name)
L: I've driven past Cheers before.
H: I like beer.

3. Flaming Moe's -- The Simpsons
L: Is this still the Cheers song?
H: With a lyric like, "The liquor in your mug warms you like a hug," well, it sure should be.

4. More Pretty Girls Than One -- Lyle Lovett
L: Who knew Lyle Lovett had written a song about DbF?
H: Dan thinks we're pretty. Heh-heh.
L: Dan has never met me.
H: But he's seen that flash of insanity in your eyes in your photo. He knows that by the glow of the martini glass, you are beautiful.

5. Drink! -- They Might Be Giants
L: WOOOOOOOOOO!
Jessica: I'm not here, nor am I participating in this entry, but, "WOOOOOOOO."

6. Fall Down -- Toad The Wet Sprocket
H: Remember that time I fell?
L: Yeah.
Carrie: No, that was me.
H: I fell too once. Into a crowd of people. Let's not go there.

7. It Must Be Summer -- Fountains of Wayne
L: I agree that now that it's warm, it's finally summer. The song is not lying. It's truth. This is a fountain of truth.
H: You have no idea which song this was, do you?
L: No. No, I do not.

8. Viva Las Vegas -- Elvis Presley
L: Anything Elvis is all right by me.
H: His name anagrams to, "Pelvisy Reels." And I think we all know what that means.
L: Um.

9. So Cal Loco (Party Like A Rock Star) -- Sprung Monkey
L: That's going to be us on Saturday night.
Michael: If I were here, this is where I would liken myself to a sprung monkey.

10. Burrito -- Pete Yorn
H: Good song! I'm still not putting a burrito on anything, though. I don't care if Motley Crue did it -- I have to draw the line.
L: Taco taco!
Jennifer Lopez: I eat tacos y burritos!

11. Making Out -- No Doubt
H: HELL YES. This is the song.
L: That's what I'd like to be doing. And soon.
Ben Affleck: Mmm, just like tacos.

12. Jump In The Line -- Harry Belafonte
H: This song is perfect for all your summer s�ance needs, particularly if you have a foul-smelling black-toothed poltergeist in your midst.
L: Don't insult Michael behind his back.
H: Heh-heh.
L: That was nice how when you laughed, something flew out of your mouth onto the desk.
H: I am a beautiful fucking creature.

13. Summer Wine -- The Corrs, featuring Bono
H: I will be drinking a lot of this soon, in place of precious, life-giving water. I don't know if we actually got this far into the CD, but based on titles alone, it's a great choice.

14. Two Pina Coladas -- Garth Brooks
L: One for me, and one for me.

15. Love Boat Theme
H & L: EXCITING AND NEWWWWWWWWW! COME ABOARDDDDDD�
C & J (as played by H&L): � WE'RE EXPECTING YOUUUUU!!!!

16. Sin Wagon -- The Dixie Chicks
L: This makes me very, very happy.
H: See? It's not that we're off the wagon -- it's that we're on this wagon instead.
L: Mattress dancing INDEED.

17. Why Don't We Get Drunk -- Jimmy Buffett
H: AND SCREWWWWWW!
L: Okay!
H: You didn't let me get to the waterbed line -- the part where I filled it up for me and you.
L: You had me at "screw."

18. Give The Girl A Kiss -- Bruce Springsteen
H: Pucker up, Bruce.
L: Can we make a banner? Maybe some t-shirts?
H: Or saucy underwear? Edible saucy underwear?

19. Let's Get It On -- Jack Black
L: This is so, so right. So right. And, okay.
H: Giving yourself to me can never be wrong, if the love is true. Ooooh.

20. A Boozehound Named Barney -- The Simpsons
H: All I know is, if this site were Fametracker, Barney would be the sun in our Galaxy of Shame.

21. Alcohol -- Barenaked Ladies
H: I'm not sure which part I find more apt -- the title of the song or the name of the band.
L: I feel like these guys would like to hang out with us.

22. Drinking Again -- Frank Sinatra
L: Who are we to argue with the Rat Pack theme song?
H: Just a bunch of drunk loons in search of a mantra.

23. Sunday Morning Coming Down -- Johnny Cash
L: Unfortunately, this is so true.
H: This is, in fact, exactly what my Sunday will be this weekend.
L: But with a little more McDonald's breakfast food involved.
H: And a little less morning.

Saturday night's "bon voyage" party for Heather at O'Brien's. We wish this wasn't the only thing we had on tap -- bad pun intended -- for the weekend, but then again, we're going to need every last minute of recovery and pre-hydration time that we can get, because no one's driving and everyone's drinking, and, well, there will be cameras present. Click here for examples of how well -- or poorly -- that's served us in the past.

Rest assured: Last weekend's pathetic showing is indeed an anomaly.

Carrie: Forty points for winning big on the moody tables of Las Vegas points; minus forty for not consuming a single drink during approximately 35 hours in Sin City. Total: 0.

Heather: One hundred points for spending the weekend popping pills like they were breath mints and doing nothing but drink on an empty stomach; minus one hundred points because the pills were Motrin, the drinks were tea with honey, and the weekend was spent sick on the couch reading Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix in less than 24 hours; twenty points for making Jell-O spiked with vodka; minus twenty for lying about the vodka part. Total: 0.

Jessica: Ten points for demanding an early-morning mimosa by the pool at Paris in Las Vegas; minus ten for not demanding it to someone actually in a position to fetch her one; ten points for accidentally flashing breast while friends snapped photos of her in a giant bathtub; minus ten for following it up with a two-hour nap. Honorable mention, yet no points, for suggesting the jaunt to casino gift-shop at 3 a.m.; see below. Total: 0.

Lauren: Fifteen points for drunkenly trying to keep a straight face in front of the two oily, rich-looking men in the Paris elevator as her friends apologized for her; minus fifteen for being slightly disconsolate at missing the last twenty minutes of a Cosby Show special that she'd already seen -- twice; twenty points for staggering down to the casino at 3 a.m. in short-shorts and a denim jacket; minus fifteen for them being pajamas, and for the mission being to buy her exhausted ass some sleeping pills; minus five for having tried to fall asleep as early as midnight. Total: 0.

Michael: Half a point for every drunk phone call he made Saturday night that he had completely forgotten by the next morning, and would still not remember but for the call log in his cell phone; two points for claiming it was a full twenty drinks that made him so very trashed. (Reporting from Indiana.) Total: 7.