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Last Five Hangovers...
The Ten Thousand Dollar Choking Hazard - 2004-12-09
Mixing Advice - 2004-10-24
A Grave Injustice - 2004-09-27
A Short History of the Bloody Mary (in My Life) - 2004-07-31
If You Build It, We Will Come - 2004-07-19

BE A FRIEND OF THE MOVEMENT!

We've been very lucky to find a bar that has the perfect combination of everything -- lots of beer, an awesome bartender, darts, pool, and last but definitely not least, a fantastic jukebox.

The jukebox is key. Without it, you're at the mercy of the bar itself as far as providing a soundtrack to your drunken shenanigans, and that's often a big leap of faith. For a good, rollicking bender, it's best to be able to handpick the songs that will bring out the hip swivels, the grinding booty, and all the other drunk dance moves that you'd never, ever attempt without a beer or some other alcoholic beverage in your hand. Music can make the party, and a good jukebox is your most important guest.

Unfortunately, there is a danger with the jukebox being public, and that is that drunken fraternity boys who have arrived early, or angry metalheads, or other enemies of the group can come in and program in hours of unwanted music that will kill the vibe of a good evening. Nothing can harsh a buzz faster than fifteen Metallica songs in a row, or a playlist comprised of every slow U2 or REM song ever recorded. We didn't come to a bar to connect with our moody 18-year-old selves -- we came to play bar games and have a good time. Pink Floyd? No.

So here is a set of rules that we have gleaned through multiple trials by fire. Abiding them can make the Jukebox Experience one that will please you and all of your fellow drinkers:

• Never play two songs in a row by the same artist. This rule is one of the most important, as the box is full of hundreds of songs by various bands, and variety is the spice of the bar, as it were. This almost read, "Never play two songs by the same artist," but sometimes you need to hear both "Hot for Teacher" and "Why Can't This Be Love." If that happens, however -- wait, who are we kidding, when this happens -- make sure you are playing tons of other songs in between the two.
• "Livin' on a Prayer" is a surefire thing. It will always inspire everyone at the bar to thrust a fist in the air in unison every single time.
• Most sad ballads are a no. "Every Rose Has its Thorn" is the exception to this rule, along with other ridiculously gut-wrenching 80's songs. It just is.
• If you use the "Play Now" button, you are an asshat. This rule is the most important, and abuses of this rule are rampant and cruel and violate the sanctity of bar etiquette. "Play Now" is an evil invention that never should have been added to the machine. It lets you choose to jump your song to the head of the queue, at the cost of two credits instead of the normal one. If you hit "play now" five times in a row, those five songs will jump the rest of the list, and so on, and so forth. Do not be this person who swans into the bar at 11:30 p.m., sticks ten bucks into the machine, and hits "Play Now" every single time. Songs should play in the order they were purchased, and that's that. If you put in twenty songs on "Play Now," that group of women by the darts will try to pull every string they can to make sure that you will be escorted from the bar.
• As an addendum to the above rule, if you are approached very politely by someone who has been at the bar for three hours and is waiting for her five bucks' worth of songs to play, and this person kindly pleads with you to STOP hitting "Play Now" just for a little while: Do not smile and nod and swear up and down that you will indeed cease this, and then turn back to the jukebox and blatantly keep hitting the button of doom. This makes you an even bigger asshat. An ass top hat.
• Bryan Adams pre-1988 is a must. Anything recorded by him after that time is a crime against humanity, the English language, and the blessed ear, and heads will roll for numerous reasons if we ever have to hear him ask if you've really, really, REALLY, no, really-really, truly, really loved a woman.
• Eleven dollars is the perfect amount of money if you have a party at the bar for a few hours. This gives you 39 songs, which is just the amount of time that a group can play darts and drink before the lightweights decide to start heading home.
• No, seriously. Never, ever fucking touch Play Now.
• Take a cue from the bar. The jukeboxes don't skip, so if a song abruptly ends partway through and the bartender looks at you and shrugs apologetically and blames it on the equipment, know this: He is lying. They have a remote control, and they vetoed your song. So pay attention to what song it was, and don't make that mistake twice. That's how you get free beers -- when you learn what the bartender likes, he rewards your good taste. True story.
• The best mix is a combo of hair bands, beloved 80's standards, and individual choices from the group including, but not limited to, sentimental college favorites, karaoke and sing-along faves, and any song in which a motorcycle revs.

Now, take these handy tips with you, and lift your glass to the simple pleasure of three songs for a dollar. Cheers, Beloved Jukebox!