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Last Five Hangovers...
The Ten Thousand Dollar Choking Hazard - 2004-12-09
Mixing Advice - 2004-10-24
A Grave Injustice - 2004-09-27
A Short History of the Bloody Mary (in My Life) - 2004-07-31
If You Build It, We Will Come - 2004-07-19

BE A FRIEND OF THE MOVEMENT!

Proving that Molson is the greatest company known to man, my friend sent me the link to a Web site for an international Rock, Paper, Scissors competition that's sponsored by the Canadian beer giant.

The press release for the 2003 championships is one of the greatest pieces of prose I've ever read, including a breakdown of the strategies used in the tense final matchup. The so-serious quotes from event managers are total brilliance -- for example, the event's co-chair actually, enthusiastically referred to the last match as a nail-biter, and praised the high level of play. Apparently, there are "gambits" and "strategies" involved in this game; to quote the release, "In the final game, Krueger played a gambit known as Fistful o’ Dollars (Rock, Paper, Paper), against silver medallist Marc Rigaux’s Avalanche (Rock, Rock, Rock) series." He apparently also overcame the stiff penalty of having gotten caught throwing a vertical paper.

This is hilarious to me.

This version of events is a bit more colorful, blaming the loser's incomprehensible "rock, rock, rock" choice on the fact that the man was stinking, stonking drunk. Although, judging by the photo gallery, winner Rob Krueger -- representing a Toronto/Ontario team called, I kid you not, "League of the Red Fist" -- was also hammered beyond belief.

There's a World Rock Paper Scissors society that considers itself the governing body of the so-called sport, and the tournament last year drew 900 competitors. Sign-ups are still in progess for the 2004 championships.

Anyone out there want to give the League of the Red Fist a run for its ($5,000 Canadian) money?

I've more or less gone on record as loathing the diet craze that has people who have no business fretting about such things whimpering about the amount of carbohydrates in any given meal. I'm of the mind that unless you need to jump-start significant and life-changing weight loss, you don't need to eliminate any one thing from your diet and treat it like the enemy, or an indulgence. Everything in moderation -- that's worked for a lot of people for a lot of years.

So I am almost ashamed to admit that I find Michelob Ultra a tasty beer. However, I don't and didn't sample it for the low carbs, but simply because I happen to like Michelob's family of brews, and the Ultra is tasty for when you feel like something that tastes innocuous and a bit closer to water than Michelob itself already is.

Now, though, Miller Lite is trying to pimp itself as a low-carb alternative to other beer, and the trend clearly isn't going anywhere, so it's kick-starting a domino effect. Ergo, for those of you who prefer to count carbs, the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau is setting specific parameters for the use of "reduced carb," "lower carb," and low-carb" with regard to alcoholic beverages.

"Low carb" means fewer than seven grams of carbohydrates -- including not just Michelob Ultra (2.6 grams per 12-oz bottle), but Bud Light and Coors light (6.5 and 5.0 grams per 12-oz bottle, respectively). If a beer has more than seven grams of carbohydrates, but fewer carbs than a so-called "regular" version of the product, it can count as "reduced," or "lower" in carbohydrates.

Click here for the full article.

Beers of The Month That We Haven't Tasted, But Which Sound Saucy, courtesy of the calendar on my desk:

ALESMITH HORNY DEVIL ALE: Any redundancy in this title is utterly forgiven by the presence of those two little words we hold so dear: "Horny" and "devil." Well, and "ale," too, so I suppose that's three little words. But who's counting? Not us -- we're way too drunk, and as a general rule, there's no math on this exam.

FANTOME PISSENLIT: The name of the most fey villain in the history of literature? Sounds like it, but actually it's a Belgian beer brewed with wild dandelions. The brewery opened on April Fool's Day in 1988, which might account for the hideousness of its label -- a crudely drawn sketch of a large-lipped boy blowing the buds off a dandelion, with "Pissenlit" scrawled in a careless half-circle. Someone clearly suggested that one as a joke. This one gets described as "juicy" with "a clove-like bite" and "a charming and persistent peppery quality." Whatever -- we just want to buy the rights to the name.

BEER CZAR PUSHKA: On the pro side, this one's named after the world's largest cannon, but on the con list, that 44-ton beast has never been fired and is just hanging out in the Kremlin on a pedestal. Apparently it's got a "mouth-puckering bitterness," which sounds a little bit like how our faces look when we're contemplating the cruel reality that beautiful beer begets bountiful bellies. And that's what won us over on this lager. Well, that, and we wish we were Beer Czars.

COOPERSTOWN BENCHWARMER PORTER: In honor of baseball season, this New York porter gets a mention, and boasts descriptors from the reviewer like "ruby" and "chocolate" and "tangy." The label features five depressed-looking folks hunched over on the bench, waiting to take a whack at some balls. Get in line.

BAGEL BEER POPPY SEED PALE ALE: Yes, this one actually is made with ground-up poppy-seed bagels, and the label dares to pun, "Well bread beer." That's enough for us. We're not even going to make the obligatory cream cheese joke.

Bottoms up!

-- Heather